1 00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:10,219 Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:13,019 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:13,020 --> 00:00:15,819 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:18,259 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:21,339 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:24,019 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:29,459 Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat 8 00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:33,339 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 9 00:00:33,340 --> 00:00:37,900 Horrible Histories. 10 00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:45,939 Pirates terrorised the world's seas, stealing treasure. 11 00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:49,100 But it wasn't always the obvious stuff that was precious. 12 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:54,940 Alright, lads. Time to open the treasure chest. 13 00:00:56,100 --> 00:01:00,939 This is brilliant! First attack of the enemy ship and first treasure. 14 00:01:00,940 --> 00:01:04,540 I dunno about you guys, I love being a pirate. Whoo! 15 00:01:05,620 --> 00:01:08,699 - Aaar! - Aaar! - Aaar! 16 00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:11,500 Let's take a look see at this here treasure. 17 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:17,539 Um,... bit of a new-boy question. Shouldn't there be treasure in there? 18 00:01:17,540 --> 00:01:21,659 This piece of paper is the treasure, my lad. 19 00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:25,219 'Tis a map showing all the trade routes. 20 00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:28,579 Using this map, we lies in wait 21 00:01:28,580 --> 00:01:32,219 for ships laden with silks from the Far East 22 00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,059 or sugar from the Caribbean. 23 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:37,339 Then we ambushes them, kills them 24 00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:40,059 and steals their precious cargo. 25 00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:42,339 ALL: Aaar! 26 00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:45,779 So, er, the map is the treasure? 27 00:01:45,780 --> 00:01:47,979 Aaar! Priceless, it be. 28 00:01:47,980 --> 00:01:52,499 I am right in saying that us pirates divide all the treasure up equally? 29 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,859 - Yes, that's the pirate rule. - I want my share. 30 00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:56,900 ALL ARGUE 31 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:03,339 Oh, that is low, even for a pirate! 32 00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:06,499 - Man over board! - Who? 33 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:09,420 Me. I've absolutely had it. 34 00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:12,820 He is, er, he is under a lot of pressure. 35 00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:17,339 That's right. Maps were very valuable. 36 00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:21,620 In fact, we pirates stole all sorts of surprising stuff. 37 00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:27,179 Welcome to The Pirate Shopping Channel. 38 00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:30,459 I'm Black Bart and this 'ere be Cutlass Liz. 39 00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:35,259 Today, we'll be selling all the booty we stole on the high seas. 40 00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:37,539 Starting with some fine clothes. 41 00:02:37,540 --> 00:02:39,579 All of our prices have been slashed. 42 00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,339 And so have many of the clothes. 43 00:02:41,340 --> 00:02:43,699 Well, we did have to kill the owners first. 44 00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:47,019 And we liked some of their fine clothes so much 45 00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:51,179 that we're actually wearing them now. Bootiful, aren't they? 46 00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:55,140 Oh. I think your parrot may have pooped on your shoulder. 47 00:02:56,140 --> 00:02:58,619 - Have I got it all? - Near enough. 48 00:02:58,620 --> 00:03:01,419 And it's not just bootiful clothes. 49 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:04,579 If it's jewellery you're after, we've got wonderful rings. 50 00:03:04,580 --> 00:03:08,179 Yes, we do, Bart. Together with the fingers they came on. 51 00:03:08,180 --> 00:03:11,739 Obviously, we pirates are always in a bit of a hurry. 52 00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:16,099 If the ring won't come off the finger easy, we chopped off the finger. 53 00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:19,259 If they've got lots of rings, best chop off the whole hand. 54 00:03:19,260 --> 00:03:21,819 Sorry. What was that? 55 00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:23,939 I didn't ear you. 56 00:03:23,940 --> 00:03:26,699 - HE LAUGHS - Nice one, Liz. 57 00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:29,059 Yes, we've got earrings, too. 58 00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:32,219 We've actually got something even more precious. 59 00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:36,579 - We've got some sugar. - Sugar? 60 00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:40,579 Freshly-stolen from an English cargo ship in the Caribbean. 61 00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:43,139 Wow! That really is precious. 62 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,339 What have you got there, Liz? 63 00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:47,699 Well, this be a five-barrel pistol. 64 00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:51,179 And with that many barrels, you really have to hit something. 65 00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:54,420 - How much does that retail for, Liz? - This isn't for sale. 66 00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:57,339 Hands up! 67 00:03:57,340 --> 00:04:00,859 - All of them! - I thought we were partners. 68 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:05,100 Well, what d'you expect? I'm still a pirate. Give me that sugar! 69 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,899 - And the rings and the earrings. - Take them. 70 00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:11,859 D'you want my jacket, too? 71 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,699 Nah. It's covered in poo. 72 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:16,699 You won't be wanting the trousers either, then. 73 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:21,419 It's true. In the 1700s, sugar was worth more than gold. 74 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:25,300 I'm rich, I tell ya. I'm rich! Har-har-har! 75 00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:34,099 We Incas ruled Peru for centuries until the 1500s. 76 00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:37,660 And we certainly had some unusual customs. 77 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:40,739 New from Ancient Peru, 78 00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:43,459 it's the brand-new album, Live Like An Inca, 79 00:04:43,460 --> 00:04:46,860 from the Incan Family Players, featuring the chartbuster - 80 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,859 Someone's sacrificed my llama 81 00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:55,579 Someone's cut it in two 82 00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:58,659 Someone's sacrificed my llama 83 00:04:58,660 --> 00:05:00,899 Hey, that's what Incas do. 84 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,860 And the unforgettable - 85 00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:07,419 My beer is made from human spit 86 00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:10,659 Would you like to try a bit? 87 00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,339 Guaranteed to revive ya 88 00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:15,859 Cheers! Make mine a pint of saliva 89 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,580 And their number-one smash - 90 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:23,259 Oh, the priest just ripped out my heart 91 00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:26,140 And threw it down the pyramid steps. 92 00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:32,460 With Mum on vocals, Dad on flute and Little Capach on drums. 93 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:37,539 Also featuring Grandpa as the flute. Yes, it's made out of his shinbone. 94 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:42,420 And Grandma as the drums. That's right, they're made from her skin. 95 00:05:49,780 --> 00:05:54,059 No, that's true. The Incas really did use human bones for flutes 96 00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:56,099 and human skin for drums. 97 00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:58,699 Imagine being turned into a musical instrument. 98 00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:02,499 Actually, I already am one, after a plate of baked beans! 99 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,419 - PARP! - Perfect pitch! 100 00:06:04,420 --> 00:06:08,700 Yes. Inca families had some pretty unusual customs. 101 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,259 - Oh! Happy birthday! - Thanks, Mum. 102 00:06:12,260 --> 00:06:16,819 Aw! You're a teenager now, so we've got you a special present. 103 00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:20,379 - Ta-da! - My own llama! Wow! Thanks! 104 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,619 - And we also got you this. - A club. 105 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:26,699 - For fighting enemies? - Oh, no. For killing the llama. 106 00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:29,859 - But I only just got it. - All boys your age have to do it. 107 00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:32,939 If you want to become a man, you have to kill a llama first. 108 00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:35,779 - OK. - But then I'll roast the llama for you. 109 00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:38,859 I guess that's something. A nice slap-up birthday supper. 110 00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:41,779 Oh, no, no, no. You don't get to eat the llama. 111 00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:43,779 You have to offer it to the Sun God. 112 00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:47,979 Great. I have to kill my present and then give it to someone else? 113 00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:50,379 I can't believe I was looking forward to today. 114 00:06:50,380 --> 00:06:53,139 Oh! Well, let's put you in your brand-new clothes. 115 00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:55,179 New clothes? Sweet! 116 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:57,739 - It's a massive nappy. - What?! 117 00:06:57,740 --> 00:06:59,860 Put it on. 118 00:07:01,620 --> 00:07:05,019 And I'll come round here and pierce your ears for you. 119 00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:09,179 - Ow! - Come on. All Incan boys need their ears pierced. 120 00:07:09,180 --> 00:07:12,139 There you are. You're a proper Incan man now, son. 121 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:15,299 Well, happy birthday. 122 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,979 D'you know, sometimes I worry we spoil him too much. 123 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,940 I dunno what we're gonna get him next year. 124 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:28,899 The Egyptian Pharaohs were mummified, like me, 125 00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:31,659 and buried with lots and lots of treasure. 126 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,819 So much treasure that many centuries later, 127 00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:39,540 archaeologists flocked to Egypt to try and find their tombs. 128 00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:43,859 New to based-on-reality computer games comes - 129 00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:45,899 The Real Tomb Raider. 130 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:50,179 Yes. Discover Egyptian tombs as they were really discovered. 131 00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:52,899 COMPUTERISED VOICE: Select your real tomb raider. 132 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,940 Not real. Select again. 133 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:58,020 Not real. Select again. 134 00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:03,179 You have selected Lord George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert, 135 00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:05,019 the 5th Earl of Caernarfon. 136 00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:07,060 A genuine archaeologist. 137 00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:11,739 Real Tomb Raider features all the tools that were really used. 138 00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:14,780 Select tool. Not real. Select again. 139 00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,779 Not real. Select again. 140 00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:20,779 You have selected a small brush. 141 00:08:20,780 --> 00:08:23,499 OK, Real Tomb Raiders, we're off. 142 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:27,139 Using all your skills, guide your adventurer to scrape through sand 143 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:31,540 and... Oh, brush the dust off some disappointing bits of old pottery. 144 00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:36,379 Or perhaps you'll discover a whole new tomb, 145 00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:38,419 although it might take a while. 146 00:08:38,420 --> 00:08:40,460 About 20 years, probably. 147 00:08:41,420 --> 00:08:45,139 With no zombies, no mummies coming back to life. 148 00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:47,379 In fact, no monsters at all. 149 00:08:47,380 --> 00:08:49,539 The Real Tomb Raider. 150 00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:52,740 Not much fun, but it's what it was really like. 151 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:13,660 Horrible. But not as horrible as the curse said to be put on his tomb. 152 00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:22,019 Greetings, fear fans. 153 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:25,379 I am Vincenzo Laughoff. 154 00:09:25,380 --> 00:09:28,019 And this week's scary story 155 00:09:28,020 --> 00:09:32,020 is The Curse of Tutankhamun. 156 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:37,899 It was 1922, a particularly ghoulish year, 157 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:41,099 when an archaeologist named Howard Carter 158 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:45,299 discovered the tomb of Tutankhamun, the Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh. 159 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:48,139 As the dastardly digger crept inside the tomb, 160 00:09:48,140 --> 00:09:50,539 he found not only the King's great treasures, 161 00:09:50,540 --> 00:09:55,019 but there, in the burial chamber, trapped within a golden sarcophagus, 162 00:09:55,020 --> 00:09:57,859 the Ancient Pharaoh's mummy. 163 00:09:57,860 --> 00:09:59,939 THUNDERCLAP 164 00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:04,619 As we all know, nothing is more frightening than Mummy. 165 00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:06,259 'Go and tidy your room!' 166 00:10:06,260 --> 00:10:09,979 On the wall above the dead king's body was written a curse - 167 00:10:09,980 --> 00:10:12,699 'Death shalt come on swift wings 168 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:16,659 'to him who disturbs the peace of the King.' 169 00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:18,939 WHOO-WHOO-WHOO! 170 00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:22,379 Yes. Whoo-whoo-whoo indeed. 171 00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:24,739 The curse was quick to bite. 172 00:10:24,740 --> 00:10:27,979 Within a year, the man who'd paid for the dig, Lord Caernarfon, 173 00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:30,019 dropped down dead! 174 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,859 EERIE SCREAMS 175 00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:36,460 As he did, all the lights in Cairo, the Egyptian capital, went out. 176 00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:39,739 That exact same moment, 177 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:44,379 back home in England, his dog howled in the moonlight. 178 00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:46,419 HOWLING 179 00:10:46,420 --> 00:10:49,859 The curse of Tutankhamun had struck. 180 00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:54,139 But what would become of the man who first broke into the mummy's tomb? 181 00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:57,699 What fate would befall Howard Carter himself? 182 00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,699 He died... years later 183 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:03,700 of completely natural causes. 184 00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:06,539 A-hem! 185 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:08,779 It turned out that Lord Caernarfon 186 00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:12,500 died from an infected mosquito bite. 187 00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:17,539 The lights in Cairo went out because the electrics were dodgy 188 00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:21,819 and his dog howled, well, cos that's just what dogs do, innit? 189 00:11:21,820 --> 00:11:23,859 It was nothing to do with the mummy. 190 00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:26,379 THUNDERCLAP Oh, just stop it. 191 00:11:26,380 --> 00:11:29,060 The curse was just made up by the newspapers. 192 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:34,739 Why am I here? I mean, if it's not a real ghost story, why get me? 193 00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:38,660 Get John Barrowman or Ant and Dec. 194 00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:42,340 I'm off. And I'm keeping the jacket. 195 00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:50,699 King George III didn't die until he was 81. 196 00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:54,780 So George IV had to wait an awfully long time to become King. 197 00:11:58,140 --> 00:11:59,979 Oh! 198 00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:04,579 Oh, George. How do you do it? How do you look so fabulous? 199 00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:06,939 George, you are worth it! 200 00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:09,579 Your Highness? I have some dreadful news. 201 00:12:09,580 --> 00:12:11,419 Powdered wigs aren't coming back? 202 00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:13,539 It's far graver news that that. 203 00:12:13,540 --> 00:12:16,140 Sir, I must tell you, your father is dead. 204 00:12:17,540 --> 00:12:20,939 Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es! Get in! 205 00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:23,499 Get in! 206 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,619 Sir, I think you may have misheard me. 207 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:28,699 Dad's dead, Dad's dead. Oh, gosh, I'm King! 208 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,219 Ah. You, you didn't. 209 00:12:31,220 --> 00:12:34,579 But, Sir, shouldn't you be... upset? 210 00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:36,339 Upset? I'm nearly 60 years old. 211 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:38,779 I know I don't look it. It's good of you to say it. 212 00:12:38,780 --> 00:12:42,979 - I wasn't going to, but - - I've been Prince for nearly 60 years. 213 00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:46,339 Nearly 60 years I've been waiting for my father to kick the bucket! 214 00:12:46,340 --> 00:12:48,179 Yes, but, Sir, I have to advise you 215 00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:51,579 that your subjects will expect you to be in floods of tears. 216 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:54,219 Tears? This is better than Christmas! 217 00:12:54,220 --> 00:12:56,699 - George! Have you heard the news? - You bet I have! 218 00:12:56,700 --> 00:13:00,059 Congratu-very-lations, Your Majesty. 219 00:13:00,060 --> 00:13:02,259 My Majesty. 220 00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:05,499 - Your Majesty! - My Majesty. 221 00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,859 - Your Majesty! - Alright. 222 00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:12,059 Sir, are you sure you can't squeeze out just a small tear? 223 00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:14,099 Certainly not, Thick Wig! 224 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:16,179 I only cry about things that matter. 225 00:13:16,180 --> 00:13:19,059 So, how do I look for my coronation? 226 00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:22,099 - Spectacular! - Look at my calves! 227 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:25,099 Very muscular. Very manly! 228 00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:27,379 I'll tell you a secret. It's padding. 229 00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:31,179 Padding? Ah! Well, that explains the seat of your trouser. 230 00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:33,059 What? 231 00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:35,379 Well, between yousies and mesies, 232 00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:38,419 there might be a tad too much pad on the old derriere. 233 00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:40,580 Padding? 234 00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:44,500 There's no padding there! 235 00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:49,179 He thinks I'm fat! He thinks I'm fat! 236 00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:52,379 You know what might help? What about if you wore a corset? 237 00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:54,420 I am wearing a corset! 238 00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:58,499 Well, at least he's crying now. 239 00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,899 Oh! Oh, the poor Prince! 240 00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:05,339 I'm not a prince, I'm a king now! Now, get out! 241 00:14:05,340 --> 00:14:08,780 - He's a king! - Out! 242 00:14:09,780 --> 00:14:12,940 Oh! I'm fat! 243 00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:16,539 I need a chocolate. 244 00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:19,739 Did you know, George IV was so overweight, 245 00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:21,859 his nickname was the Prince of Whales. 246 00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,899 That's a bit unfair, isn't it, eh? 247 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,499 On whales! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 248 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:31,019 And he really did have to wait nearly 60 years to become King. 249 00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:33,060 SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL 250 00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:39,699 I'm George IV, the Regent King 251 00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:42,659 Which means I was just standing in 252 00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:45,419 Acting King because my dad 253 00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:49,659 - George III had gone barking mad - Banana! 254 00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:52,739 Great palaces, I did design 255 00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:55,459 Buckingham was one of mine 256 00:14:55,460 --> 00:14:58,499 Art and fashion, I so rated 257 00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:02,819 - And wives? - That's more complicated 258 00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:05,659 Actresses and duchesses 259 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:08,899 The great loves of my life 260 00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:11,499 I loved more girls than I ate pies 261 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,419 And I couldn't stand my wife 262 00:15:14,420 --> 00:15:18,779 - He couldn't stand his wife - Go away! 263 00:15:18,780 --> 00:15:21,659 I only married Queen Caroline 264 00:15:21,660 --> 00:15:24,739 When my debts began to climb 265 00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:27,419 Cos if I agreed to tie the knot 266 00:15:27,420 --> 00:15:31,419 I said I'd pay off the lot 267 00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:34,619 But the wedding caused all sorts of strife 268 00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:37,499 Cos I already had a wife 269 00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:40,339 - A divorced Catholic? - Dad did sigh 270 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:43,499 But the mad old goat just wouldn't die 271 00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:47,819 - Still here. Oop! Spoke too soon. - At last, I can go solo! 272 00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:50,619 As true King, my reign began 273 00:15:50,620 --> 00:15:53,659 Though I was now older than your nan 274 00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:56,539 And as the ruler of our nation 275 00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:59,419 I banned my wife from my coronation 276 00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:02,299 And knowing now that I did hate her 277 00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:05,139 She promptly died just three weeks later 278 00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:07,739 But all those pies that I'd got through 279 00:16:07,740 --> 00:16:12,019 Meant 10 years later, I died, too 280 00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:15,179 Hello. Have we met? I'm a kangaroo. 281 00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:21,019 Actresses, duchesses the great loves of my life 282 00:16:21,020 --> 00:16:24,019 I loved more girls than I ate pies 283 00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:26,379 But I couldn't stand my wife 284 00:16:26,380 --> 00:16:29,499 I had just 10 years on the throne 285 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:32,179 Do you remember that? 286 00:16:32,180 --> 00:16:35,540 No, all that you remember is 287 00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:41,740 I was really fat. 288 00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,979 Hello, and welcome to the News At When. 289 00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:01,819 When? The Middle Ages. 290 00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:04,259 A time when the Christian people of Europe 291 00:17:04,260 --> 00:17:07,859 decided to go to war with the Islamic people in the Middle East 292 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,619 just because they didn't believe in the same things. 293 00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:12,739 Hard to imagine, I know. 294 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:17,059 So, here with more details is Bob Hale, with the Crusades Report. 295 00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:20,179 Thank you, Sam. I'm Bob Hale and I'm on a bit of a crusade 296 00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:22,459 to tell you all about The Crusades, 297 00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:24,819 a series of extremely violent religious wars 298 00:17:24,820 --> 00:17:26,739 that started nearly 1,000 years ago. 299 00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:30,259 Yes, the year is 1095, that right there is Palestine, the Holy Land, 300 00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:32,099 and here comes the Pope! 301 00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,899 There he is. He's called Pope Urban because he's quite street. Sick! 302 00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:39,499 Not really. He doesn't like what he sees, which is lots of Muslim people 303 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:43,179 which isn't surprising, since they live there and it's their Holy Land. 304 00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:45,099 But this Pope doesn't like to share. 305 00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:48,219 He decided the Holy Land should be reclaimed for Christians. 306 00:17:48,220 --> 00:17:50,019 How does he plan to do this? Simple. 307 00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:53,259 Any Christian who fights for the Holy Land will get into heaven, 308 00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:55,179 which Christians liked the sound of. 309 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:57,019 And so began the first crusade. 310 00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:59,779 Heaven-hungry Christians will pop to the Holy Land, 311 00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,940 take over and that will be the end of that. 312 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:07,339 But crusading is a tricky business, and that's just the journey. 313 00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:10,819 Because many ships back then had a design problem. Mainly that one. 314 00:18:10,820 --> 00:18:14,300 If you didn't sink, you had to cope with diseases, storms, sickness, 315 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,579 sea monsters, except not sea monsters, 316 00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:18,939 all before you got to do any actual fighting. 317 00:18:18,940 --> 00:18:21,099 That was if you could afford to go by boat. 318 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,979 Many were poor peasants who had to walk to the Holy Land. 319 00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:27,099 Yes, they walked, which takes longer than going to the shops, 320 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:30,419 even if you go to the big shops and not the little one on the corner. 321 00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:34,099 The first crusade took so long, with the walking, sinking and fighting, 322 00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:36,219 that the Christians ran out of supplies 323 00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:38,619 and had to eat some really disgusting things, 324 00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:41,259 like blood, wee, turkey twizzlers and dead bodies. 325 00:18:41,260 --> 00:18:44,099 Not turkey twizzlers. They never got that desperate. 326 00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:45,939 Ha-ha! Little joke there. 327 00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:49,419 Despite this, the Christians took over huge chunks of the Holy Land, 328 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:52,379 including the great city of Jerusalem. All in four years! 329 00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:54,539 Job done, crusade over, Christians win, 330 00:18:54,540 --> 00:18:57,659 so long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Right? 331 00:18:57,660 --> 00:19:00,859 Wrong! The Muslims weren't about to take all this lying down. 332 00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:03,699 They fight back, conquering the city of Odessa. 333 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,899 What did the Pope do? Yep, you've guessed it. Another crusade! 334 00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:10,859 In 1147, the Christians rush back over to the Holy Land and lose. 335 00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:12,979 They get the pants thrashed off of them. 336 00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:15,939 After spending 40 years or so mulling over what to do next, 337 00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:18,379 the Christians come up with a new plan. 338 00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:20,859 A crusade! Yep, another one, and it's a biggie. 339 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:24,779 1187. Richard the Lionheart, who's actually got a lion's heart. 340 00:19:24,780 --> 00:19:27,019 That's not true, but he is King of England. 341 00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:28,859 He starts a war with Saladin. 342 00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:31,579 So that's a war with tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber... 343 00:19:31,580 --> 00:19:33,859 His name's Saladin and he's a Muslim leader 344 00:19:33,860 --> 00:19:36,459 who's been building an empire in the Middle East. 345 00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:39,459 King Richard and many Christians rush over to the Holy Land 346 00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:41,299 and a big old fight breaks out. 347 00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:45,379 Nothing to do with the Muslims. The Crusaders fight amongst themselves. 348 00:19:45,380 --> 00:19:47,299 Half of them call it a day and go home, 349 00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,659 leaving poor old Dickie Boy on his lonesome. 350 00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:53,459 Lucky for him, Saladin is a nice chap and agrees to a peace treaty. 351 00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,979 Peace is upon us, no more wars, no more crusades, 352 00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:58,619 just flowers, love, holding hands and that is that. 353 00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:00,980 No doubt, no diggidy and no questions asked. 354 00:20:01,940 --> 00:20:06,939 Or so we thought! But in 1202, another Pope named Pope Innocent 355 00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:08,819 comes up with a bold new initiative. 356 00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:10,939 Yep, you've guessed it. It's a crusade! 357 00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:13,699 So we have the fourth crusade that achieves nothing. 358 00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,539 Followed by the fifth crusade that achieves nothing. 359 00:20:16,540 --> 00:20:20,099 Followed by the sixth crusade that achieves nothing. Followed by... 360 00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:24,659 We apologise for the technical hitch we appear to have with Bob today. 361 00:20:24,660 --> 00:20:26,699 We are working to resolve the problem, 362 00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,779 but in the meantime, we hope you enjoy this. 363 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:32,379 When off on a long crusade, 364 00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:35,299 a knight would often take an old woman with him. 365 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:39,699 Or, as they used to call them, an old crone. 366 00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,139 Hi. I'm a crusader. 367 00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:45,459 Sworn to win back Jerusalem from the Saracen Muslims. 368 00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:47,980 Slaughtering them in the name of Christianity. 369 00:20:48,940 --> 00:20:50,779 It's hard, dirty work. 370 00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:56,219 That's why when I go on a crusade, I always bring along an Old Crone. 371 00:20:56,220 --> 00:21:00,299 She might just be an ugly old woman I kidnapped from my village, 372 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,099 but Old Crone can wash out even the toughest of stains. 373 00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:07,779 We compared enslaving an Old Crone to not bothering to wash. 374 00:21:07,780 --> 00:21:09,980 And just look at the difference! 375 00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:13,779 Take Old Crone along with you on your crusade 376 00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:16,619 and she'll comb those nits out of your hair. 377 00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:18,739 She'll even wash it, too. 378 00:21:18,740 --> 00:21:22,700 Now, if a Saracen cuts my head off, I know it'll look lovely. 379 00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:26,259 Aaaaargh! 380 00:21:26,260 --> 00:21:28,099 And that's not all. 381 00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:31,179 Old Crone will even find food and cook it for you. 382 00:21:31,180 --> 00:21:33,419 And when there's a food shortage, 383 00:21:33,420 --> 00:21:35,779 Old Crone really comes into her own. 384 00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:41,259 I found some grains of wheat in animal droppings 385 00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:47,139 and the meat is the finest cut of enemy dead. 386 00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,460 The backside. 387 00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:56,659 Old Crone. You'll wonder how you survived on a crusade without one. 388 00:21:56,660 --> 00:21:59,900 Warning: Old Crone is very old and may not survive the journey. 389 00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:09,579 Between 1607 and 1865, 390 00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:12,059 slavery was legal in America. 391 00:22:12,060 --> 00:22:14,859 One slave who escaped and went on to free other slaves 392 00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:17,299 was known as Agent Moses. 393 00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:20,140 But Agent Moses wasn't quite what you might expect. 394 00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:25,779 - CRACK! - Ssh! 395 00:22:25,780 --> 00:22:27,459 - Ssh! - Ssh! 396 00:22:27,460 --> 00:22:29,500 - Ssh! - Ssh! 397 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:33,979 Well, I think this is the spot. 398 00:22:33,980 --> 00:22:36,499 - Yeah. So, what do we do now? - We wait. 399 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,779 Accordin' to the message, Agent Moses will meet us here, 400 00:22:39,780 --> 00:22:43,659 break us out of the plantation and arrange safe passage to Canada. 401 00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:47,579 Wow! Just think, in a few days, we won't be slaves any more. 402 00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:50,259 - We'll be free men. - Yeah. 403 00:22:50,260 --> 00:22:54,139 Agent Moses has already freed over 60 slaves. He must be quite a guy. 404 00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:57,939 - I can't wait to meet him. - So, you boys got my message? 405 00:22:57,940 --> 00:23:00,619 - BOTH: Ssh! - We're waitin' for Agent Moses. 406 00:23:00,620 --> 00:23:02,539 A-hem! Agent Moses is here. 407 00:23:02,540 --> 00:23:04,379 Oh, brilliant. Where? 408 00:23:04,380 --> 00:23:06,499 Here. I'm Agent Moses. 409 00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:09,099 - You're Agent Moses? - You look like my mama. 410 00:23:09,100 --> 00:23:14,139 Well, we just expected you to be a dashing young man. 411 00:23:14,140 --> 00:23:18,259 That's what they expect. Especially the slave owners tryin' to catch me. 412 00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:21,459 Oh. So that's why you're so good at this! 413 00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:25,779 Yep. I'm the last person they'd expect to be freein' slaves. 414 00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:29,339 Besides, I got myself a few disguises in case of emergency. 415 00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:31,419 Lemme guess. Big false beard. 416 00:23:31,420 --> 00:23:35,099 Nah-nah-nah-nah. Glasses and a wig. Always glasses and a wig. 417 00:23:35,100 --> 00:23:38,779 No. Even better. A newspaper. 418 00:23:38,780 --> 00:23:41,979 - BOTH: A newspaper? - You gotta be kiddin' me. 419 00:23:41,980 --> 00:23:44,060 Hey, who's there? Who goes there? 420 00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:47,499 Stop, slave! What...? 421 00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:50,619 Oh-ho-ho-ho! My apologies, ma'am. 422 00:23:50,620 --> 00:23:52,579 I thought you might be a slave, 423 00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:56,539 - but you're clearly an educated woman readin' a newspaper. - Indeed. 424 00:23:56,540 --> 00:23:59,500 - Well, good evenin', ma'am. - You, too. 425 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:02,619 Wow! That's amazin'! 426 00:24:02,620 --> 00:24:05,620 That's nothin'. Wait til you see my ultimate disguise. 427 00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:08,339 Lady carryin' a chicken. 428 00:24:08,340 --> 00:24:12,059 - BOTH: Lady carryin' a chicken? - Now, you gotta be havin' us on! 429 00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:16,219 Hey! What in the...? Who's there? What's all that noise? Stop, slave! 430 00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:21,219 Oh-ho-ho-ho! My mistake. It's just a lady carryin' a chicken. 431 00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:24,220 Now, look at that funny little chicken! IMITATES CHICKEN 432 00:24:25,980 --> 00:24:29,140 HE LAUGHS Oh, I love a chicken! 433 00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:32,259 Well, evenin', ma'am. 434 00:24:32,260 --> 00:24:35,019 Oh, that crazy chicken! 435 00:24:35,020 --> 00:24:36,659 Well, that was amazin'! 436 00:24:36,660 --> 00:24:39,939 He was so distracted by your chicken, he didn't even notice you! 437 00:24:39,940 --> 00:24:42,099 Lady, either you very, very clever 438 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,459 or these slave owners are very, very stupid. 439 00:24:44,460 --> 00:24:47,300 A little bit of both, boys. A little bit of both. 440 00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:53,219 Grandma Moses' real name was Harriet Tubman. 441 00:24:53,220 --> 00:24:56,859 In the American Civil War, she commanded an armed military raid 442 00:24:56,860 --> 00:24:59,219 freeing over 700 slaves. 443 00:24:59,220 --> 00:25:02,179 Making her the first woman in American history 444 00:25:02,180 --> 00:25:04,219 to lead soldiers into battle. 445 00:25:04,220 --> 00:25:06,660 The rat knows all. 446 00:25:11,860 --> 00:25:13,900 HE WHISTLES 447 00:25:17,540 --> 00:25:21,619 - Yes? - Hello, sir. I'm a Roman poo seller. Would you like to buy some? 448 00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:23,860 No, thanks. I make my own. 449 00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:29,339 - I said no. - Yes, sir. 450 00:25:29,340 --> 00:25:31,499 I clean the communal toilets in the city, 451 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:33,979 so the poo I collect is of a very high quality. 452 00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:37,059 Your poo, I think it's fair to say, is just peasant poo, 453 00:25:37,060 --> 00:25:38,979 made up of cabbages and turnips. 454 00:25:38,980 --> 00:25:41,979 Some of this is from the bottoms of Roman senators. 455 00:25:41,980 --> 00:25:45,699 They have a very rich diet, full of fruit and meat. 456 00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:47,539 Think of the nutrients. 457 00:25:47,540 --> 00:25:50,299 I do have trouble making enough for the whole field. 458 00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,859 It's worth its weight in gold, sir. Your crops will flourish. 459 00:25:53,860 --> 00:25:56,099 - Alright. I'll take some to try. - Lovely. 460 00:25:56,100 --> 00:25:59,619 You will not regret it. This is the best decision you've ever made. 461 00:25:59,620 --> 00:26:02,860 Look at that. Handsome! See ya. 462 00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:07,740 Should've asked for a bag. 463 00:26:09,860 --> 00:26:14,139 That's right. Roman toilet cleaners used to sell poo to farmers. 464 00:26:14,140 --> 00:26:16,459 And there was plenty of it, I can tell you. 465 00:26:16,460 --> 00:26:20,180 Because rich Romans loved to stuff themselves silly at dinner parties. 466 00:26:21,660 --> 00:26:25,939 Ave, viewer. I'm a very posh Roman. 467 00:26:25,940 --> 00:26:28,779 And if you want to fit into polite Roman society, 468 00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:31,419 there's a few simple rules you need to learn first. 469 00:26:31,420 --> 00:26:34,740 Here's how to behave at a Roman dinner party. 470 00:26:38,580 --> 00:26:40,859 Eating with cutlery. How rude! 471 00:26:40,860 --> 00:26:44,340 A good Roman will always eat with his fingers. 472 00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:48,940 Oh, yes. That's far more polite. 473 00:26:52,220 --> 00:26:54,379 - BURP! - 'Scuse me. 474 00:26:54,380 --> 00:26:56,339 Oh, yes. Very good. 475 00:26:56,340 --> 00:26:59,259 Burping shows your host that you have enjoyed your meal. 476 00:26:59,260 --> 00:27:01,740 BURP! 477 00:27:06,340 --> 00:27:11,459 Where are you going? A Roman would never leave the table to have a wee. 478 00:27:11,460 --> 00:27:14,419 You'd get a slave to bring the pot to you. 479 00:27:14,420 --> 00:27:17,019 But what if I can't go when everyone's watching? 480 00:27:17,020 --> 00:27:22,540 Um,... try thinking about an aqueduct or a fountain or something. 481 00:27:29,140 --> 00:27:31,259 No, I can't eat any more. I'm too full. 482 00:27:31,260 --> 00:27:34,619 A good Roman is never full. 483 00:27:34,620 --> 00:27:38,099 Tickle the back of your throat with a feather until you are sick, 484 00:27:38,100 --> 00:27:40,140 and then repeat. 485 00:27:41,980 --> 00:27:44,259 RETCHES 486 00:27:44,260 --> 00:27:48,339 And now you know how to behave in polite Roman society. 487 00:27:48,340 --> 00:27:50,700 The very height of civilisation. 488 00:27:51,660 --> 00:27:53,739 - RETCHES - Sorry. 489 00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:57,780 Well done. That's my feet, but well done. 490 00:27:57,781 --> 00:28:01,779 Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts 491 00:28:01,780 --> 00:28:04,459 Want to travel through the time sewers with me? 492 00:28:04,460 --> 00:28:07,939 Then play Horrible Histories' Terrible Treasures. 493 00:28:07,940 --> 00:28:11,499 Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 494 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:14,299 Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. 495 00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:16,140 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 496 00:28:16,190 --> 00:28:20,740 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0